NIRUSAI

 

Whenever I write and reflect on my life experience since I’ve met Raaman, I always come to the point of total awe of what has happened to me and who I am now. It dawns on me once again how it’s simply a living miracle who I’ve become.

Who I was supposed to become was a woman that struggled and hoped to connect to her partner, that tried to love her children and tried to make enough money and be good enough to give them a good education. I was supposed to become a person that tried to feel her life was meaningful and that she was useful in some way. I was supposed to be someone that struggled hopelessly to find peace in the middle of dirtiness, chaos and outworn structures. Sadly but true, I saw myself most likely ending up as an unhappy woman in an unhappy relationship. 

I would have had to settle for being what others expected of me, never knowing what I could expect from myself. Comforted by the opinion of others, never knowing what I truly thought and felt. I would’ve comforted myself with made up stories about myself, never knowing any deeper truth, nor deeper meaning. I would’ve never known how Truth and Love feel.

What has happened to me? Can it be put in words? Can it be described? Can the Truth behind the words I am writing right now actually be perceived?

I was born in Santiago, Chile, and grew up in a family of intellectuals and politicians. Knowledge and informed opinions was what held value, and so I put all my efforts in gaining my parents approval through my studies. I worked hard in diverse organizations caring for the social inequalities of my country, and felt intense worry about how I perceived the world's situation. But even though I met the academic goals I set for myself (and along with that I had all that a girl in the world I lived in could ask for -friends, boyfriend, job, fun-), I felt dissatisfied. At age 17 I started my search for healing, and went through all sort of meditations and therapies. Eventually  I graduated as a Phychologist. It was what I had wished for. But when I was in it, I knew that that wasn't it. 

The problem was that before meeting Raaman I didn’t trust the part inside of myself which searched for a way out of my hamster wheel of should’s and would’s, fears and pain, why’s and why not’s. Because I had searched and felt nothing really worked, I didn’t trust THAT to guide me in the right direction, nor to find the right road. And if I was honest with myself, the possibility of coming out triumphantly from such a search, didn’t really exist.

In my world, THAT which searched made me feel lonely and outcast. It made me feel strange and a misfit to society. It made me feel ungrateful for what I did have. It simply made me feel wrong. I had to pretend along with everybody else that things were fine. I had to pretend that the healing I did satisfied me, and that the work I did helped others, I had to believe that I was good with all that. 

I didn’t have the experience of that inside of me which searched for a amazing life being supported, enhanced or being valuable in my life experience. And I mean amazing life. Not just "life". There was a part in me that dreamed BIG. It was a part inside of myself that had a gigantic vision of what my life could be. I didn't trust that power. I judged it as fantasy. I struggled. I wanted to follow, but I didn't know how. 

I didn’t know that for that you need a Teacher. In my conscious perception I didn’t want nor need a Teacher. I was avoiding the “teacher question” altogether. When I had looked in South America for alternative ways of living in New Age communities, I disliked to see dominant leaders and people that “followed”. 

So I wasn't looking for any Teacher. And then I met Raaman by total “coincidence” on a ferry. Every circumstance around how I met him left me with a sense of awe of how it was all just “magically arranged”. This feeling grew stronger and stronger, as I continued being in his presence.  I was invited to stay longer with him and his group of students and I couldn’t just “back out”. I just had to be there. 

Since the beginning Raaman told me that I carry a huge potential of trust inside, and I felt very confused. I actually considered that I had so much mistrust, and especially about him at that time. He was so different and not matching any ideas I had about spiritual teachers! "Becoming aware of your deep seated mistrust is part of my healing process", he said to me. 

I tested Raaman in every way, and in every new step I tested him once again. I tried to find some personal motivation or selfishness in him that would make me conclude that I couldn’t trust him and that it is the absolute wrong choice to commit myself further as a student and member of his Sangha. I searched and searched. I am a very stubborn Taurus and don’t change my ideas easily. And… just because I’m still here now after four years you can conclude by yourself what is the outcome of my hard evaluation of him….

After four years and a half with Raaman I am experiencing all the potentials which he told me at the beginning coming into fruition. Most important of all, I feel love for myself. I love myself for who I am and what I’ve been through. I love the life and path I’ve chosen.

I know I live the highest expression of myself in this moment, and that it will only expand and become more beautiful. It is not hope. Now I feel confidence and trust. There is an inner knowing that that’s how life is. That's how God wants it, and I have experienced how it’s possible to be in that harmony with life by constantly letting go.

I know it is not an easy path at all. Being in the presence of a Teacher brings up everything which you are ready to let go. Love brings up everything which is not love. Safety brings up all the feelings of unsafety that have been experienced in the past and stored in us. Real connection in the heart brings up all the feelings of disconnection and loneliness within us. But as I go through the challenges of transformation, my self confidence grows. Through the SACRED work and Raaman’s connection to Divinity, I live in the mystery of God’s healing power, and I know I have the tools to become That which I am meant to become.

I am now challenged to hold up the space for the transformation of clients and new members joining our Sangha. I see myself more and more growing into the role of a teacher, and learning how to develop more self-confidence in expressing my individual Truth. This growth is also happening through giving SACRED sessions, which is for me the experience of being God’s instrument for the healing of others. I know first handed how deep the SACRED work is and how it changes people’s lives, so I feel deeply honored to give sessions. I can hardly call it “work”. I see that where I help others the most is in the areas where I have gone through the most pain by myself, and this makes even the toughest parts of my life journey deeply meaningful.

Of most value for me is to now that I am surrounded by people whom I can honestly share myself, and with whom I share the same set of values. The Sangha is now the community of truthful relationships which I dreamed of in the past, but couldn’t really imagine existing. Could relationships not “tie me down”, but really help me in my path to freedom?

For this process I have had to allow all my prior relationships to fully change. Many changes were extremely difficult for me to trust in the beginning. I was very scared to let go and to not know what would happen to me and the connections to my family and friends. But I knew I had to let go and trust.The outcomes of this “leap of faith” still surprises me. As I come into deeper understanding for the pain I suffered, and also had caused in the past, forgiveness and peace arise.

The biggest of these miracles and worth all the efforts by itself was the emotional reconnection to my father.  The ugliness of my parents’ divorce had left me with so much confusion, traumas and scars, that what was left between me and him were feeling betrayed and disappointed. Through Raaman’s intervention we started connecting through mails again and eventually he visited me in Sai Baba’s ashram. I have reestablished a profound, honest and nurturing connection with him and he supports me in my quest for freedom. He told me, that by seeing me honestly happy, he feels that he accomplished something great in his life. And that for the first time in 75 years, and as he saw his daughter venture into something he couldn’t understand, he trusted God. hrough my own self satisfaction, he feels peace in his heart. 

How my life has becoming so deeply meaningful, I cannot really explain. I didn't even wish to be on a spiritual path. But I wanted to be happy, and I when I met Raaman I felt for the first time in my life an unexplainable and fully determined "yes, this is what I have been praying for".

My life has fully shifted into putting Truth and transformation first. More and more my ego looses the grip on me, and I take a grip on him. I know that my aim is to let go and that it is possible. I know that "love is radical decision to defy the ego's voice", and that I can do it. I have taken that radical decision. 

...And my life has become surprising, miraculous and fulfilling. In everyday life my creative expression keeps exploding into all kinds of forms and any ideas I had about what it means of being "spiritual" have no substance anymore.  

I cook, I sing, I write. I sleep in my hammock in nature and wake up in the morning knowing God is on my side. Each morning I feel so deeply grateful for the life I have.  

Here are some words I have written in my diary some time ago:

Can this be me? Who and what got me to this hammock spot, to these warm clothes, to this perfect sunrise? 

Can I be the one that experiences such peace, such freedom, such joy for life? How is it that I feel safe, that I feel home? 

Can all these miracles be happening to me? 

What power has made it possible that I have a spiritual teacher and a life in Truth? What power has given me the self courage to transform, to let go, to embrace a whole new way of life and follow my heart? 

I smile. I close my eyes. The early morning sun shines on my face. And I feel Love in my heart.